I get where you’re coming from and I’ve personally gone through many of the feelings you’re describing. As men we sometimes feel that (physical) intimacy is how our partners communicate to us our ‘value’ in a way. Some of that is toxic cultural norms but there is also just fundamental differences in how intimacy is perceived between men and women in long term relationships.

As you’ve aptly stated, the difference is men often feel that intimacy is part of how they are made to feel appreciated and valued while, in my experience, women need to feel validated, appreciated and valued emotionally as the soil in which a persistent desire for physical intimacy grows.

I am by no means diminishing the experience of men or trying to say its all on them. I have literally posed the questions that youve asked in past relationships and while they understood where I was coming from it never fixed the rift. Only after I took the initiave to take interest in and prioritize their emotional security and trust in me did the dynamic change from a diminishing interest in intimacy and rare or less frequent initiation to the opposite of that.

I’m just speaking on my own experience, particularly regarding long term relationships. Hopefully it’s helpful to someone out there.