Okay so… Gunna stop you there cuz I think you’re overthinking some things.
It’s useful to think of what trans people experience as just an automatic, unfilterable reaction to their phenotype characteristics of their birth sex - like all the talk of gender performativity is actually not super useful for understanding the basics here so put that to the side for the time being.
I am a trans person. My brain looks at my body and sees all these different sex characteristics. To the majority of cis people having these characteristics are kind of neutral - only having positive or negative values if they are attractive or unattractive. To me as a trans person though there is no neutral sex characteristic - regardless of how socially attractive or unattractive those characteristics are to other people. My brain weights all those collective bits of my body as either abhorrent or something amazingly positive.
When I am talking with people and they use the wrong pronoun they are transmitting to me in words that they have seen and judged my physical body based on an automatic assessment. Registered a characteristic that I find abhorrent and reported their findings back to me. That person through language is effectively becoming a mirror put in front of me through which my automatic internal process of reward and punishment can start picking over everything that I hate or love about my physical experience.
None of this really has to do with gender performance or roles. Like I can be a trans man and still be into girl coded stuff just like any cis guy could. What you like is informed about where you’ve been and what you’ve been exposed to. A LOT of trans people bemoan that they essentially need to over-perform a gender role so that other people have visual cues to know not to call them by the wrong pronoun.
When people transition they are just asking for help not reporting their own bodies back to them. We aren’t trying to spiritually embody some kind of true apex femininity or masculinity. If you got into your field of work or sphere of socializing by following socially enforced gender paths of least resistance then changing your physical presentation is a problem.
For many particularly there’s this stage where to avoid being anything but trying being openly trans one endeavours to be the best possible version of their birth gender. It’s why a lot of trans women end up in the military. They say “I’m going to just be a better man. One of the best! I will belong, I’ll be fit. People will treat me well” … And that doesn’t fix being miserable it in fact just throws gasoline on something that feels indescribably worse. You feel isolated from all other humans by dint of everyone flattering you about things that make you feel alien and awful. All those features in the mirror become more pronounced as you move deeper into the territory of things that male your brain ping abhorrent. Your relationships suffer because people are just trying to tell you you’re doing great in your role and it is making you miserable instead of better. Alone instead of supported.
Okay so… Gunna stop you there cuz I think you’re overthinking some things.
It’s useful to think of what trans people experience as just an automatic, unfilterable reaction to their phenotype characteristics of their birth sex - like all the talk of gender performativity is actually not super useful for understanding the basics here so put that to the side for the time being.
I am a trans person. My brain looks at my body and sees all these different sex characteristics. To the majority of cis people having these characteristics are kind of neutral - only having positive or negative values if they are attractive or unattractive. To me as a trans person though there is no neutral sex characteristic - regardless of how socially attractive or unattractive those characteristics are to other people. My brain weights all those collective bits of my body as either abhorrent or something amazingly positive.
When I am talking with people and they use the wrong pronoun they are transmitting to me in words that they have seen and judged my physical body based on an automatic assessment. Registered a characteristic that I find abhorrent and reported their findings back to me. That person through language is effectively becoming a mirror put in front of me through which my automatic internal process of reward and punishment can start picking over everything that I hate or love about my physical experience.
None of this really has to do with gender performance or roles. Like I can be a trans man and still be into girl coded stuff just like any cis guy could. What you like is informed about where you’ve been and what you’ve been exposed to. A LOT of trans people bemoan that they essentially need to over-perform a gender role so that other people have visual cues to know not to call them by the wrong pronoun.
When people transition they are just asking for help not reporting their own bodies back to them. We aren’t trying to spiritually embody some kind of true apex femininity or masculinity. If you got into your field of work or sphere of socializing by following socially enforced gender paths of least resistance then changing your physical presentation is a problem.
For many particularly there’s this stage where to avoid being anything but trying being openly trans one endeavours to be the best possible version of their birth gender. It’s why a lot of trans women end up in the military. They say “I’m going to just be a better man. One of the best! I will belong, I’ll be fit. People will treat me well” … And that doesn’t fix being miserable it in fact just throws gasoline on something that feels indescribably worse. You feel isolated from all other humans by dint of everyone flattering you about things that make you feel alien and awful. All those features in the mirror become more pronounced as you move deeper into the territory of things that male your brain ping abhorrent. Your relationships suffer because people are just trying to tell you you’re doing great in your role and it is making you miserable instead of better. Alone instead of supported.
It can be quite the hole to dig oneself out of.