Feels like your balls swell reddish purple and at the same time are grasped and twisted tight by a hand so hard that they feel like they should pop. Thousands of accupuncture needles stabbing directly deep in the balls, feeling like tiny knives. And you have a ‘funny bone’ feeling amplified by 10, feeling everywhere in the crotch, spreading a little outward to the upper inner part of your legs. The pain is constant and lasts for as long until untwisted. On a scale from “blue bruise you press gently” (1) to “I want to fucking die” (10), It sure as hell felt like a 9. The only reason I didn’t give it a 10 is because I wanted to live to see myself have a different body (why, I discovered later thanks to that event).

I had to gently massage it above the legs myself while writhing in agony, until it was just less enough that I could bike 45 min to the hospital at night, 1.5 km away. Normally the trip would take 10 min, but I was in such agony that I could only bike very slowly. I seriously considered cutting them off just so it’d be less. When I got there, I got diagnosed with “yup you got that, but you got rid of it yourself by massage”, so yippee.

I’ve broken my arm and gotten kicked in the nuts, had glass in my arm, and so on. I’ve gotten a strong covid case.

I’d rather get kicked in the balls for hours or end or give birth, than to undergo this again. At least in the latter case I then have a new someone afterward, and there’s C-section and epidurals.