I have a sister in law like this. She’s really cool and we generally get along but God damn is she hard to deal with sometimes.
There was one instance where it was our niece’s birthday and we had made this shitty balloon arch for pictures. When it came to the end of the party and we needed to break it all down, I knew that a bunch of the balloons had like confetti in them. She was helping with the breakdown, and I had dealt with these before so I was like “watch out for the confetti balloons, try to cut them open near the know and let the air out slow, and do it over a garbage can incase it pops. They will shoot confetti everywhere if they pop and it’s a pain in the ass to clean up” and she just turned at me with tho most vitriol “ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO MANSPLAIN TO ME HOW TO POP BALLOONS?!” and I was like “Okay jeez, was just trying to help”
Not two minute later I see her with a pin just popping the balloons off of the arch. Fucking confetti everywhere. I turned to my wife, who saw the exchange and I was like “yeah I’m not helping clean that up”
This is the same woman who screams about body shaming etc, and when she expressed interest in one of my friends who is Japanese said “He’s hot but it’s too bad he probably has a small dick”. Like… That’s racist AND body shaming.
We agree on a lot of things socially and politically, and like I said generally we get along, but she also complains very loudly about how she can’t keep relationships sustained and it’s like… Yo, all you do is vocally complain about how men are the source of all problems. But you also want to be with one?
Like, look… I’m all in support of feminism, but it should be about rising women up, not chopping men down. I didn’t choose to be born with a penis. Why am I automatically an enemy? I’m an ally.
Fuck.
First part: mansplaing and helping are often hard to tell apart. Especially if you get mansplained all the time. In this case I am sure you are in the right.
Second part: we didn’t choose to have a penis but we are part of the patriarchy problem. We were socialized with privileges and those let us behave in a way that keeps said patriarchy working. Feminism for me is about figuring out what helps to level the playing field and what doesn’t. I am wrong a lot.
Being an ally is sometimes confused with “I am not doing anything wrong” like not being sexist. That is not enough anymore. We need to speak up when somebody else uses behaves in a sexist way. We need to actively change things because we are the patriarchy and by being part of that are helping to keep the status quo just by existing as a male in the society and passively enjoying the privileges that come with that.
The difference between mansplaining and helping is all about the level of condescension attached to your “help”. If you are genuinely trying to relay information that you feel may help someone…you’re good. If you’re talking down to someone that you feel would already have this information, if only they had been born with a penis…you’re being a misogynistic asshole.
I agree.
Out of interest and looking at the downvotes: did I not communicate well? Is my position precieved as pro patriarchy?
Not as far as I could tell. I was just adding my two cents to your two cents. It wasn’t meant as criticism, just embellishment. I have no idea why you’re getting any downvotes. The internet is a weird place sometimes.
Thanks for your response
Then why call it man splaining? Misogynsplaining is better word than that sexist shit you call it
First part: mansplaing and helping are often hard to tell apart. Especially if you get mansplained all the time. In this case I am sure you are in the right.
One of the problems with “Hello, I’m from the internet and I have a story where I was definitely right and the other person was the asshole” is that you’re getting a very one-sided narrative without any historical context.
Just-So rants are a dime a dozen around here. “Why am I the victim, just because I’m a guy?” has - in my experience - been a big fucking red-flag.
Sadly true …
It took me about 40 years to finally realise how much privilege has been bestowed upon me. It’s a very strange thing to view personal historical events through this lens. I don’t regret anything, the opposite in fact, it’s a source personal development.
Stop talking.
Either you’re being an arse or they are.
Stop talking.
Oh, so you’re stonewalling me?
“I need to step back from this conversation as i’m getting disregulated. Please allow me some time”
Is this therapy talk for commanding a brigade of soldiers to resist an enemy advance during the First Battle of Bull Run?
Is this therapy talk
When everything you hear is “Therapy Talk”… :-/
I feel like everyone here needs a reminder that love bombing is something that happens AFTER mistreatment to make the victim calm down and become compliant.
This isn’t just being overly affectionate, it’s a technique used to manipulate behavior and keep a victim loyal.
Though it can be used during the initial parts of a relationship to make it progress at a very fast rate. Imo it’s best to hit the brakes even if the other person isn’t abusive. And hit the brakes as in don’t rush to move in with them, get married, or have a kid, as I think ending a relationship because it’s moving too fast is just as likely to end a good thing as avoid abuse.
IMO detecting abusive people is best done by seeing how they react when challenged, especially by someone they might consider a lesser.
With someone coming on too strong too fast you need to keep your eyes open and be aware of your boundaries. It may be someone who’s awesome and sincere who’s just on a different pace than you, it may be an intentional abuser being machiavellian, but it’s also got a pretty good chance of being someone unstable and sincere and oh fucking boy will that cause problems if you don’t have and maintain boundaries.
lovebombing used to describe cult behavior where a large group would shower praise and validation on a prospective member as a recruitment tactic. it’s no surprise that there’s confusion about what it means when it’s used to describe a wide variety of behaviors that are superficially connected.
I thought it was a thing used at the beginning to get people to join cults.
Also, despite the name, the relationship does NOT need to be romantic for this to apply. Literally anyone in your life can be a abuser with tactics like this. Usually, sadly, it’s someone with some authority or ability to screw up your life. For example, like a workplace manager or a family member.
“I do tend to overexplain and I’m sorry, please shut me down if I do, but please believe me when I tell you that I overexplain everyone and it has nothing to do with your perceived gender, I just have the *tism.” - this is my usually response because it’s true.
I got accused of mansplaining because I was helping someone on a tech support call (they were taking the call to support a user, and I was assisting them) and I started with the basic information they’d need to understand the problem and how to fix it. After the call she turned around to the guy next to her and complained about it and he was just like, “oh, no, he’s like that with everyone”.
My philosophy was based on the fact that our managers hired people for people skills over technical background because they assumed the tech stuff could be trained and that if someone was asking me for help there was a gap in their knowledge somewhere and I had no way to know where it was other than to begin at the beginning and work through it. Most people appreciated it. But some were full of themselves and got pissed about it, those types typically didn’t last very long on that job.
banger
360 you stay exactly where you were
That’s the joke
“…this is a Wendy’s.”
Put in headphones, listen to a comedy laugh and ignore. Probably better turn on the body cam on too… And create space from this person.
And stop trying to get everyone to like you.You don’t even like everyone.
And stop trying to get everyone to like you.You don’t even like everyone.
The first part has been my mantra for years now, luckily, but I like how the second part gives an obvious, concise reason and I’ll add that to my stash of advice for other people. Thank you :)
Ty homie.
Ive been contemplating that and what Bruce Lee says, “we are all one family under the sun. Its just that people are born different.”
That said, if you see a baby in a burning building, tons of people may yell at you not to go into the building. Maybe they dont see the baby, maybe they are idiots…but regardless, if you’re doing something meaningful… ignoring how others feels about you is easier.
Your thoughts r welcome!
That said, if you see a baby in a burning building, tons of people may yell at you not to go into the building.
I get your analogy, but allow me to go off on this tangent: I’m an actual volunteer firefighter and my experience is, that people in stressful, one-off-situations they were not trained for are absolute idiots and require clear directions in easy, short wording and segmentation of large todos into small, directly assigned tasks which you need to have them repeat to you, verbatim.
They will feel treated like imbeciles because that’s what they are in that moment and there is no space, time or energy to work around that until whatever crisis is dealt with.
Having been the responsible person in these kinds of situations actually broke my desire to be liked by everyone and instead set targets and see to it that we reach them with with as good of an outcome as possible.
Reflect upon how you are acting. Empathize with the other person’s POV. Then discuss rationally from a point of mutual benefit.
It depends if the accusations come in good or bad faith.
Lol, no.
Name checks out
Hey, they don’t have any for me either.
The lovebombing accusation is what gets me. Sorry for being lonely and easily getting infatuated on the rare occasion I get to date someone 😭
Edit: For clarification, I am just saying that “lovebombing” doesn’t necessarily have to be an intentional manipulation tactic. I am not saying it’s not a reason for concern
I man no disrespect but you gotta reign it in. I totally get where you’re coming from but getting lovebombed is a red flag for good reason.
You alluded to one reason why in your comment…if the infatuation isn’t mutual, it feels like the person is just excited to be in a relationship. They’re in love with being in love, not with me.
And unless you’re a narcissist, it just feels weird to put on a pedestal. Getting fawned over 24/7 is too much. People just want a partner that is a normal person most of the time.
It also has the connotation of codependence. And with that, it’s likely this person is going to have a mental breakdown if we break up in a year.
Lovebombing usually means baggage. It’s understandable that people don’t want to start a relationship with someone carrying a ton of baggage.
I mean, thank you for your advice, but I’ve been dating for quite a while now so I already learned I have to tone it down. It just feels frustrating having to pretend I’m less interested than I actually am, when I’m usually a person that hates being dishonest
But the reasons to be put off by lovebombing are justified. You’re a stranger juggling knives and frustrated that they’re backing away lol
Yes, I am well aware. I just know that lovebombing can also be seen, like in this greentext, as a deliberate manipulation tactic (and often probably is). My original comment was just meant to show the other side, that it isn’t always a manipulation attempt. And I’m absolutely not saying they are in the wrong for being weary of it.
I am childfree, and it’s very hard in my country to find women that also never want children, so I get overly excited when I find one that is willing to go on a date with me. I have learned to tone it down
I mean they keep acknowledging that it kinda just seems you’re telling them that they have no choice but to pretend they’re someone different than who they are
Yeah I associate it with uncontrolled BPD and it fucking terrifies me at this point because of the experiences that caused that association. Being put on a pedestal sucks, your successes become expected and your failures become catastrophic. But also you can feel trapped for fear of hurting someone who you do like who’s in a bad place. And from there enforcing boundaries can start to feel like hurting them.
With my wife we still make points to express that we’d be ok and manage if the other left. Our finances are built with that in mind even. Knowing I can leave makes me always aware of how I don’t want to, and it makes us safe and secure in the fact that we know the other doesn’t want to.
Honestly if someone was using all these terms, I’d stop talking to them. I don’t have time to be an avatar for your underlying mental issues to attack.
I use all these techniques to get out of paying for prostitutes.
(Just kidding I can’t afford prostitutes)
Guys I’m not sure if this person is just kidding
Why pay if you gave her pleasure too
Anon you’re an asshole and you know this since kindergarten. Stop gaslighting
Well it’s either you or her. Get better at communicating or tell her to figure out her shit.
Or both. It could be both. Really, its usually both.
I never got to this point in the first place. But generally, I don’t respond.
“Ok, I’m evil, I admit it, goodbye”.
Everyone is happy, the end.
