You must log in or register to comment.
“Imagine diving down to the bottom, expelling all the air from your lungs, and just waiting for the river’s sweet embrace to take you. I hear it’s a surprisingly peaceful way to go. I yearn for that with all my being. Monday mornings, eh? Do these windows open?”
This is being hyperbolic, but at least the lordes and tyrants of the past used to just steal your food or murder you.
These modern replacements like playing with their food.
Later during performance review:
“I noticed you are having issues staying on task; you need to minimize the distractions around you to make sure this doesn’t become problematic for work”
That’s… actually kinda cute? I mean, it has a Michael Scott vibe to it? Like he’s trying really hard to get them to appreciate the river? I believe I might be overusing the questionmark? Oh my god I can’t stop? Send help?
Depending on the situation, might be related to rto
Where?
The river, the one with all the ducks.
What kind of boat do you suppose that is?
Ngl I would have a ball with this.
“Hey boss you excited for the beginning of trout spawning season?”
“Did anyone else see that body float by a minute ago?”
let me out of the office to experience it, then
A friend told me that as part of a “team bonding exercise” they were asked to sing one of their favorite songs with the lyrics re-worded about their job or company and I am so thankful that this bullshit hasn’t spread to my country yet.
There are so many songs from the labor movement that can easily be modified for the modern office environment, I’m sure your boss will love it.
🎵 You write 16 reports and what do you get
🎵 Another day older and deeper in debtor
🎵 My dad was an accountant and I’m an accountants son
🎵 And I’ll stick with the union till every battle 's won…
🎵 I know a task that gets on everybody’s nerves…🎵
🎵Why does this meeting never end🎵
🎵it just goes on and on my friend🎵
🎵Some C-suite level jokers heard that number must go up🎵
🎵This could have been an email but we’ll forever ever wonder…🎵
🎵I suffer, but why?🎵 - Napalm Death
- changed lyric to meet the assignment
- reflects feelings about the task
- ends your turn as soon as possible so that the next poor soul gets to participate in this corporate hazing ritual
Just sing Gwar - Sick of You, unchanged
If they try to take away working from home, I will become a bin man
How… How often do you think binmen work from home?
Have you seen my desk?
Every day at least once
Oh they tryin’…
I’m lucky to work for a fairly small firm that fully supports my choice to be a hermit, but yeah that commercial real estate ain’t gonna finance itself.
First thing monday morning.
Looks at river, “If I was in that river Id be so wet right now.”
Boss starts looking worried.
“I bet if that river splashed me in the face we’d need two towels to clean it all up!”
Then I dont need to comment on it again until next monday.
well shit… my top comment is going to be about fucking a river now I guess…
Three… Three towels?
Four towels is a bit excessive don’t you think?
From: jrandom@company.tld
To: everyone@company.tld
Subject: River observations 2026-04-27Everyone,
I would like to point out that the river appears to be wet. I would also like to observe that I saw at least three (3) separate ducks on the river so far.
We will revisit this topic next Monday as per company guidelines.
J. Random
Widget Testing Dept.Clearly, this needs to be a meeting with 20 people. We need to get consensus on the number and color of ducks, and what to do about them. Plus there’s the more elementary question of whether water can be wet.
It needs to be 2 hours. The only slot that everyone has free is during lunch, so I booked that.
“Boy, that river is moving pretty fast. I bet if I fell in you wouldn’t be able to find my body for weeks…”
next week…
I just want to go down and slowly insert two of my fingers into that river and feel how wet it it! Then id pull them out and watch it slowly run down my arm.
I bet it smells like fish…
ok im good until next week!
Keep going. This is doing something for me.
Boss starts looking worried.
…because he thinks you’ve discovered his fetish.
The boss brought up the big wet thing in the first place!
In the mines they make everyone stand in a circle every morning and take turns each day giving stretches for us all to do
I would rather say look at all them chickens
Wait, you have to think of stretches? Damn. That’s cold. If you think of a bad stretch, everyone can blame you. I’d totally invent a stretch-picking device, to divert blame to the gnomes.
If you pick a bad stretch they do.
A good one is active stretches like high knees or deep equates etc since a lot of the machine operator’s are very over weight and complain about it being to hard.
As a mechanic and 90 percent of the machine faults are operators doing dumb shit its my way of getting back at them
Heh. Us fat bastards need the help, give us the pain
Wait, what? Unless that’s an allegory for AI or something, that actually sounds pretty nice.
It’s the forced small talk that the OP has an issue with, not the actual view.
I thought it’s some very lame attempt at making it so a RTO mandate is “here to stay,” by memeing about the fucking office view.
Maybe I’m too deliberately obtuse, but I would make so much fun out of this, taking it as an opportunity to research useless river facts. Like “did you know this river starts at X/was named after Y?”, specific facts about its wildlife, etc. Just pretend I’m intensely interested in the river beyond its utility for small talk until it goes from something everyone is sick of into a running gag (that everyone is slightly less sick of).
Which I guess ironically feeds into what the boss wants, but at least it’s not painful.
Find a local river monitoring org and see if you can get the nombers for oxygen saturation, PH and pollution information. Odds are they aren’t great.
This person Jim Halperts.
Ok, now do that at least twice a week forever.
You only need to research 104 facts, then boilerplate the intro and closing and copy/paste for the messages, then you setup a scheduled task to send 2 messages - Monday and Thursday - in order (not random, since you don’t want to send the same thing twice or too close). In an office of 50 people there’s no way they’ll remember the 4 facts that you sent last year at the last week of April. But here’s the fun part, if they keep it up for a year+, you start seeing return on your investment. If not, you don’t change the scheduled task, and they slowly go mad with river facts until they leave the company and/or die. Either way, you win.
Joke’s on you: they won’t keep the job forever 😉
I’m way overthinking this. To me, it sounds like someone proposed to move to a cheaper location. Some other manager asked for this to “prove” this improves morale and the river view office should be kept Who knows
I think that’s the takeaway… well assuming “yearning for the mines” isn’t being used sarcastically.
Just repeat whatever an AI says, no matter how absurd. Bonus points for reading it in a robotic voice.
This also gets you your compliance points for using AI in everything.
Maybe she’s the only one with a window and is sick of everyone intruding to see?
Damn, I bet that river has more liquid assets than I do.
Plot twist. Boss is actually the river and just wants to hear nice things about it.
Maybe he doesn’t remember that he’s a river?
Sounds like an anime plot to me! “Old Man River: How I Discovered My Boss is an 8000-Year Old River God”
Still turns out to be a highschool harem drama, somehow
How about your boss brings in a puppy and everybody who likes puppies has to play with it twice a day?
Anything to keep you from talking about how management treats you or how much you’re all getting paid for the same work.
I worked at a company where we all got paid very well but they still did the bullshit company “team-building.” I never participated on purpose. If I was forced to be present, I did everything I could to make it clear I didn’t want to be there. I was considered a grouch and I fuckin’ was, because unlike the suits that thought this dumb shit up, I had actual important work to do and a gun to my head in the form of a hard deadline.
Use hydrology websites and just comment that “The river is 2 feet tall today.” Et cetera, “the river is flowing fast today. But not as fast as the other day.”
